Who Needs A Therapist When You Have A Blog?

My brain hurts. This post is my attempt to decompress...
Having two D&Cs in the past four months has not been fun. I am tired...body, mind and spirit. Now the doc is telling me I am NOT to try to get pregnant for ONE WHOLE YEAR. Apparently my last miscarriage was a molar pregnancy. With molar pregnancies there is a chance that it could grow back and cause problems like uterine cancer for one. I have to be closely monitored for the next little while to make sure my HCG levels continue to go down. I guess if they go up, that is when complications could arise. And even if complications don't arise, the chance of this happening again is now greater.

When I made the decision to get pregnant again I thought it would be so easy, like the others. Now I am second guessing everything. Why did I have such strong experiences to have another baby only to fail? I have guilt that had I not waited so long to have another, I wouldn't be having this problem. This was definitely not in my planner. I want a baby now, not 21 months from now. I am so confused.

The only thing I can think of is that maybe HF just wanted to see if I would be obedient and follow the promptings that I was given. I'm not sure what else to think. I don't know if I can stay emotionally invested in this for another year. I want so badly to say "I'm done. I tried. It didn't work. I'm done." At the same time I just want to be obedient, however I am not sure what that means. Does that mean trying to have a baby until I'm fifty?

For now, I guess I need to just put it out of my head (yeah right) and not dwell on it. I am actually looking forward to going back to the gym and taking better care of myself. My body has been a little neglected lately. I want to also become more present in my children's lives. I feel like all of this has caused me to get a little sidetracked emotionally. My goal is to enjoy the journey and not dwell on what may or may not happen a year from now. I am sure that will be easier said than done but I will try my best. The one thing I do know is that my HF knows how to make me the best me I can be. If that means I have to go through a few hard times here and there to become my best me I will do it. Life IS good.

Saver

My kids have been wanting electric scooters for some time. I have told them a few times that if they are going to ride their scooters I want them to get exercise at the same time, not just push a button and go. (I know, I'm a mean mom.) They kept bugging me about it so I cut them a deal. I told them that if they save up their own money they can buy one. I said this thinking that would never happen. My kids are not savers. Well, our little Eva did it!

Eva wanted one so bad that she saved and saved and the day finally came. When we went to pick one out she was grinning from ear to ear and hasn't stopped. She is on cloud nine. I am very proud of her for being able to save her money. Congrats on your purchase, Eva!

Deja Vu

I had another miscarriage.

It's a total bummer.

I have been having some "issues" again so I thought something might be up. But I have been so sick. I kept telling myself that was a good sign. I guess not. I cried all the way home from the doctor's office and when I had to tell the kids. But I have been warning them all along that something still could happen to the baby, just like last time. They will be fine. Ben tried to cheer me up in his own unique way. He said that he is not that sad because the baby would have just thrown up everywhere and cried constantly. He made me laugh. I love my kids.

*

At the doctor's office when I had my ultrasound the doctor kept pointing out all these things that shouldn't be there like an "unusual fluid pocket" and a "mysterious" clotty like mass. The one thing that he couldn't find, sadly, was a heartbeat. So now I have to decide if I want a D&C or if I want to wait to see if my body will pass it on it's own. I am not sure what to do. One thing that really bums me out is that now I have to be sick for no reason until I pass this thing.

*

I am at peace.

It is what it is. There is no sense in dwelling on the situation. I have four amazing kids to focus on. If that is all I ever have than I will still be the happiest Mom in the world. Life is an amazing journey. I choose to not waste a single second feeling sorry for myself. I have the best life I could have ever hoped for!

The Last Days...

...of Cherry Hill are upon us. First school starts and now this? Can it really be time to close for season already?

We sure will miss all the sun-filled days of splashing, laughing, reading and being silly. I had a fifth child this summer. Eva's good friend Natalie came with us just about every time. I was also able to get a lot of reading in while working on my tan. These were my summer reads:

The Count of Monte Cristo - all 1200+ pages - loved loved loved this book!
Austenland - Cute book
Wuthering Heights - didn't finish - too wierd for me

Persuasion (for the 2nd time) - I adored this book all over again - the BBC movie version is just as good as the book

My favorite quote of the summer was from Ella while snuggling up with me in the Lazy River. We were leisurely floating along and she tilted her head back, closed her eyes and said, "This is soooo lazy."

That little quote from Ella pretty much sums up our summer. It was lazy indeed and we loved every minute of it!

Our Version of Minute To Win It

After watching an episode of Minute To Win It with the fam, Lee and I decided to make our own version for the kids. The task was to find the paper with words on it in less than a minute...

Hyenas, Lightning Dragons, and Yellow Ladybugs

Time for Soccer! This year we have three soccer stars in our house. Emma decided she wanted to try it again after several years of not playing. They had their first game of the season on Saturday and they all did very well (despite the ferocious winds). I think it is going to be an exciting season for them. Go teams!!

(I don't know how excited I am to be yelling for the Hyenas but I will take that name over the Vampires, which is what Emma's team originally called themselves. What a silly bunch a girls.)

Back To School

A few things I'd like to document about Back To School:

When we first found out what teachers the kids had and who was in their classes I immediately started to worry for Emma. She had a teacher she didn't really want and no friends in her class. All her friends stayed together in a different class except her, but the worst part was that a couple of girls that had been mean to Emma last year were in her class. After hearing this Emma had a really hard day. She was very sad and was dreading the school year. I told Emma I would see what I could do.

After pondering what I should do I decided I would talk to the principal and explain to her that Emma has had a hard past two years at school and that she really needs to have a good year before going into Junior High. I had never tried to switch classes before for my kids and was a little unsure of what to expect, but I had to do something. I told Emma my plan and then totally out of the blue she proceeded to tell me that she didn't think I should say anything. She said that she won't always be able to have her way and that she would have to learn to deal with upsets for the rest of her life and that she might as well start now. I was floored. What happened to Emma? She was like a totally different person. So after pondering some more, I decided I would honor and respect Emma's wishes and not say anything to the principal.

A couple of days later I got an email from the school saying that for various reasons they had to redo all 6th grade class lists. When we went to see the updated list we learned that Emma was moved to the teacher she was hoping for AND the two mean girls were no longer in her class.

What a tender mercy that was. I am so grateful for that experience. It reminded me how strong Emma is and that our Heavenly Father is very aware of each one of us and our situations.

*

Ella, my baby, is in Kindergarten. We went to her orientation and she was so very excited and everything went very well. At the end when we were walking to our car I noticed Ella's ankle was all red. I tried to remember if she had red socks on. No she didn't. I stopped her and pulled up her pants. The whole back part of her ankle was all bloody. She had blood all over her adorable new pants and it was pooling in her adorable new shoe. She had no idea. I took off her shoe and carried her to the car with her ankle dripping blood the whole way. I initially wanted to walk the kids to school but had the thought to go ahead and drive. If Ella and I had to walk home that day we both would have been miserable. That was just one more tender mercy, that I was given the thought to drive.

We got home and as I got Ella all cleaned up I asked her what she thought happened. She had no idea. She was just as baffled as I was. She wasn't even crying either. She was being so brave. I noticed something protruding from her wound. It was fleshy tissue. I know, so disgusting. I wasn't sure if I should take her to the doctor. I decided that because the bleeding had stopped I would just put a band aid on it and watch it for the next couple of days. It is almost all healed up now and I am still wondering what in the world happened to Ella's poor ankle.

*

As I mentioned Emma is now in 6th grade, Eva is in 4th, Ben is in 2nd and little Gal is in Kindergarten. I have all four kids going to the same school. CRAZY! I told myself not to volunteer this year.

I need a serious break from volunteering, or so I thought.

Last night, at Back To School Night I signed up to help in all four classes AND help with a handful of parties.

Why do I do this to myself?

Truth is, I love it. I love getting to know the teachers and I love being able to take a little peek into my kids' day. So, I am going to be busy once again this year, but it's for a good cause, right?

*

I am hopelessly devoted to my kids.

I miss them SO much already.

Just like last year I am having a serious case of the back to school blues. I take comfort in the fact that it only lasts a short while and then I wonder how in the world I was ever so down in the dumps. I think I get so down because I am realizing I only have a short time left with my kids, in the grand scheme of things.

I used to want time to speed up. Now I am pleading for it to slow down.

Having said that, I am really excited to clean and organize after a crazy fun filled Summer. I am looking forward to dejunking every space in my home. I am also looking forward to something else which I will elaborate on in another post.

Happy Back To School!

(at least that is what I am trying to tell myself )

Last Hurrah

Last weekend we were invited by some friends to go to their AMAZING cabin up in Brighton as a "last hurrah" before school starts. It was very refreshing and a great way to end the summer.

We started off by doing some canoeing.

There were so many little ducklings along the way. They were adorable!

After canoeing we took our little ducklings to the trail that wrapped around the lake for a little hike. I was amazed at the beauty of nature.

The kids all got along so well. They had a great time together.

Emma and Eva couldn't get enough of cute little Lizzie. She was pretty smitten by "the big girls" as well.

Curtis was so cute with the kids. He had a craft for them to make and everything. They worked hard on cute little containers that they could put all of their "special finds" in during our hike the next morning. That's Ella showing off her finished product.

The next morning we set out to hike to Twin Lakes. I think my kids were expecting a hike like the day before, calm and leisurely. This was a little different. Ben, of course was in his element. Ella asked if we could never do this again. Emma and Eva struggled here and there as well. This was definitely the hardest hike they have been on. But it was all worth it when we saw this view...

Oh no, we didn't stop there. We had to keep going to Twin Lake. Again, gorgeous...

I was so proud of my kids. Part of our family motto is "...if it's hard, we can do it!" They sure proved themselves that day.

Thanks to Curtis and Allie for a very fun weekend. We felt one with nature and very appreciative of our surroundings. And best of all, we were with good friends.

It's What Fun Is!

This Summer some friends of ours had extra tickets to Lagoon and asked if we wanted them. Of course we took them! We had been to Lagoon a few times for Stake Lagoon Day but this was our first time actually staying more than a few hours. The kids had a blast. We met up with Heidi and Chrissie (husbands came later) and all of their cute kids and stayed the whole day...

The Odysea ride was Eva and Ella's favorite ride.

Ella doesn't look very happy in some of these pictures but she did have a super fun time.

Ben could not get enough of Colossus. I have no idea how many times he went on that ride that day.

I thought this picture was so cute of the little girls peeking over the cart thingy in Dracula's Castle. Do they look a little spooked?

I have to say that even though that day was one of the most hot, humid days of the year I still had a great time...just as much as my kids. I am now thinking that Lagoon Season Passes may be in the future for our family. Thanks again Heidi and Randy!

Yellow

Last weekend Ben became a yellow belt in karate. He was very surprised because he wasn't expecting to advance so quickly. I think he was kind of in shock. You can see it on his face...

Ben with his buddy Ian and Master Te

I am really proud of Ben. He is working hard and having a blast at the same time.

Congrats on the yellow, bud!!