Who Needs A Therapist When You Have A Blog?

My brain hurts. This post is my attempt to decompress...
Having two D&Cs in the past four months has not been fun. I am tired...body, mind and spirit. Now the doc is telling me I am NOT to try to get pregnant for ONE WHOLE YEAR. Apparently my last miscarriage was a molar pregnancy. With molar pregnancies there is a chance that it could grow back and cause problems like uterine cancer for one. I have to be closely monitored for the next little while to make sure my HCG levels continue to go down. I guess if they go up, that is when complications could arise. And even if complications don't arise, the chance of this happening again is now greater.

When I made the decision to get pregnant again I thought it would be so easy, like the others. Now I am second guessing everything. Why did I have such strong experiences to have another baby only to fail? I have guilt that had I not waited so long to have another, I wouldn't be having this problem. This was definitely not in my planner. I want a baby now, not 21 months from now. I am so confused.

The only thing I can think of is that maybe HF just wanted to see if I would be obedient and follow the promptings that I was given. I'm not sure what else to think. I don't know if I can stay emotionally invested in this for another year. I want so badly to say "I'm done. I tried. It didn't work. I'm done." At the same time I just want to be obedient, however I am not sure what that means. Does that mean trying to have a baby until I'm fifty?

For now, I guess I need to just put it out of my head (yeah right) and not dwell on it. I am actually looking forward to going back to the gym and taking better care of myself. My body has been a little neglected lately. I want to also become more present in my children's lives. I feel like all of this has caused me to get a little sidetracked emotionally. My goal is to enjoy the journey and not dwell on what may or may not happen a year from now. I am sure that will be easier said than done but I will try my best. The one thing I do know is that my HF knows how to make me the best me I can be. If that means I have to go through a few hard times here and there to become my best me I will do it. Life IS good.

Saver

My kids have been wanting electric scooters for some time. I have told them a few times that if they are going to ride their scooters I want them to get exercise at the same time, not just push a button and go. (I know, I'm a mean mom.) They kept bugging me about it so I cut them a deal. I told them that if they save up their own money they can buy one. I said this thinking that would never happen. My kids are not savers. Well, our little Eva did it!

Eva wanted one so bad that she saved and saved and the day finally came. When we went to pick one out she was grinning from ear to ear and hasn't stopped. She is on cloud nine. I am very proud of her for being able to save her money. Congrats on your purchase, Eva!

Deja Vu

I had another miscarriage.

It's a total bummer.

I have been having some "issues" again so I thought something might be up. But I have been so sick. I kept telling myself that was a good sign. I guess not. I cried all the way home from the doctor's office and when I had to tell the kids. But I have been warning them all along that something still could happen to the baby, just like last time. They will be fine. Ben tried to cheer me up in his own unique way. He said that he is not that sad because the baby would have just thrown up everywhere and cried constantly. He made me laugh. I love my kids.

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At the doctor's office when I had my ultrasound the doctor kept pointing out all these things that shouldn't be there like an "unusual fluid pocket" and a "mysterious" clotty like mass. The one thing that he couldn't find, sadly, was a heartbeat. So now I have to decide if I want a D&C or if I want to wait to see if my body will pass it on it's own. I am not sure what to do. One thing that really bums me out is that now I have to be sick for no reason until I pass this thing.

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I am at peace.

It is what it is. There is no sense in dwelling on the situation. I have four amazing kids to focus on. If that is all I ever have than I will still be the happiest Mom in the world. Life is an amazing journey. I choose to not waste a single second feeling sorry for myself. I have the best life I could have ever hoped for!

The Last Days...

...of Cherry Hill are upon us. First school starts and now this? Can it really be time to close for season already?

We sure will miss all the sun-filled days of splashing, laughing, reading and being silly. I had a fifth child this summer. Eva's good friend Natalie came with us just about every time. I was also able to get a lot of reading in while working on my tan. These were my summer reads:

The Count of Monte Cristo - all 1200+ pages - loved loved loved this book!
Austenland - Cute book
Wuthering Heights - didn't finish - too wierd for me

Persuasion (for the 2nd time) - I adored this book all over again - the BBC movie version is just as good as the book

My favorite quote of the summer was from Ella while snuggling up with me in the Lazy River. We were leisurely floating along and she tilted her head back, closed her eyes and said, "This is soooo lazy."

That little quote from Ella pretty much sums up our summer. It was lazy indeed and we loved every minute of it!