These are my babies...
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- We only have 6 matching Christmas stockings and holders. We'd have to get a whole new set.
- We only have room for 4 bar stools around our island. #5 would have to sit all by itself somewhere else.
- We gave all our baby stuff away...everything!
- I have waited 10 years to have all my babies in school. That day has come. I would be totally starting over.
- I have really enjoyed being able to run errands and exercise by myself while the kids are at school.
- The thought of having another one makes me physically ill.
- I turn into Jabba the Hut when I am pregnant. It is not a pretty sight. Lee pretty much has to roll me around whenever I have to go somewhere.
- All the crying and all the not knowing why their crying, all the sleepless nights...
- I am not getting any younger.
- I had it all planned out that I would be done having kids by the time I turned thirty. I want to be a young grandma. I did it. I had #4 one week after I turned twenty nine. Now I am thirty three. It would just mess up my whole plan.
- The thought of possibly having a fourth girl that I would have to fight to do her hair makes me cringe.
- We simply cannot afford it!
- I know that some of these are silly but on a serious note, on most nights I go to bed thinking of all the ways I failed as a mother that day. My mental list is usually pretty long. I have a picture in my head of the "ideal" mom and I am far from her. If I am already failing miserably what would #5 do to me?
For all these reasons and more I feel like there is just no way that I can have another baby. My husband however, and possibly even my Heavenly Father, are telling me otherwise. In Lee's defense he REALLY wants more kids but recognizes it is up to me. Also, I have received some personal experiences that lead me to think that I am supposed to have more kids and I have tried really hard to dismiss them as nothing. What do I do? For cryin out loud, isn't four enough?!
I understand that once I had the baby I would love it and I would wonder why it was ever such a hard decision to make. I also know that my Heavenly Father knows me way better than I know myself. So why is it still such a hard decision? I just don't know that I can do it. This has been consuming my every thought lately. What to do...
8 comments:
You really don't want me to comment, seeing that I am 39 weeks and completely miserable! 4 seems like a good number to me, but sometimes those things aren't up to us! You can come and spend a couple nights at my house in a couple of weeks or Lee can...maybe that will change his mind! :)
wow! what a decision to make! from every blog post i read, you sound like such a real mother, and when i say real, i mean relatable and i LOVE that! it's so comforting to read your posts and think that it's okay if i have those thoughts, because she does too and she's amazing! now i'm not even close to making that kind of a decision, but i admire you for it. thanks for sharing and hope it all works out!
I can't imagine Heavenly Father ever saying "no, don't bring another spirit into the world".
Imagine being almost 38 and having the same feelings?
(We should chat sometime!)
.....and just for the record - I think you are a fabulous mother!
It sounds like you've already received your answer, you just have to let go of your fear. The last 2 times I've been with you I even felt like someone in your family was missing. (But I already told you that.) And Lara, from experience you will NEVER regret having another one, but you will regret not having one with the feelings you are having. How come it is up to you only, can I use that one on Ryan? Because I still want 2 more and he's not budging! (: Love you all!
You are such a fabulous mother I can totatlly see why Lee and Heavenly Father would want you to have more, even a dozen more! But, I totally feel you on every single point that you made! Look a it this way though, all of your kids are so close together it was probably really overwhelming and very difficult so having only one home to love on and take places might even be fun! And, most importantly...you have built in babysitters!!! Good Luck, my friend is going through the same contemplation and three trips to the temple and two fasting sessions are making baby #5 a reality!!
I keep coming back to this post wondering what people are saying in response.
First of all I believe that you are on e incredible mom too. I think you will be a great mom to 4, 5, or 6. When you set your mind to it, YOU can accomplish anything.
A lot of things on your list make sense why not to have more, if you don't add faith. I am sure if you feel it is right, the lord will bless you. It will work out.
I know what you mean about it consuming your every thought though...thankfully, for me, my answer was that we are done. WHEW!
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