A Roller Coaster Of Emotions

For the past few years I have had a reoccurring dream where I am on a roller coaster that goes out of control and I fall out of my seat thinking that I am plummeting to my death only to be scooped up by the seat on the way down as it continues its course. More on that dream in a minute.

These past few weeks have been quite a roller coaster of emotions for me.

First: We put our dream home up for sale. Lee's job hasn't been going well lately so we thought that we should try to find something a little more affordable to help ease his burden. It has actually been a blessing. It has helped us realize that a dream home doesn't have to be big and fancy and expensive. Any home where we, as a family, can be together and thrive is our new definition of a dream home. The only thing is that people in this area are not really looking for homes like ours right now so it may take a few months...or years... to sell it. During that time Lee's job may pick up and we would be OK financially to stay put. This plays a little with our emotions. Are we staying or are we going? It is a weird position to be in. We are just continually praying that whatever the outcome, it will be in accordance to Heavenly Father's will.

Second: Shortly after we put our house up for sale Ben got his mysterious illness which I won't get into. (Refer to past posts if you do not know what I am talking about.) But during this time I was on my knees more than ever praying to Heavenly Father to help Ben get better and also for the strength for him (and me) to endure it. It was the worst (and longest) week and a half of our lives. But thankfully, we were able to endure it and Ben recovered. Now he is as happy and cute as ever.

Third: Shortly after that, and ever since, I had been convinced that I was pregnant. Not because we planned for it to happen. It was just one time that...well you know what I mean. I didn't tell anyone but Lee, but I just knew that Heavenly Father would take any chance He could get to send one more spirit down. The next day I started seriously stressing. How can we make this work? I gave away everything! I thought I was done. It would be starting all over. I had just finished the "baby chapter" in our little life's book. Well to make matters worse, Ella totally out of the blue asked if "there was just four of us" meaning kids. I said yes. Then she asked me if I had a baby in my tummy. Then a few days later she said, "Mom, can you do this- Hee Hee Hee, Hoo Hoo Hoo?" She was breathing as if she were in a Lamaze class. Why in the world would she say things like this to me? So I decided I would pray once again for Heavenly Father's will to be done. If He thought I could handle it than I would make it work. I began preparing like I was pregnant and tried to make the most of it. I started thinking of who I could call for their old baby clothes. I even started thinking of names for the baby. Well, as of today, I am not pregnant. And I have to say that I am a little sad. Why am I sad when I didn't want this to happen in the first place? So what do I do now? I have no idea!

Never before has this reoccurring dream of mine been so close to reality. This roller coaster we call life sometimes gets so crazy it throws us for a loop. We may fall so far that we don't see how we can make it work out. But then our loving Heavenly Father is always there to scoop us back up. The biggest thing that I have learned from our most recent set of trials is that if we can submit ourselves to the will of the Father we will never truly fall off our roller coaster. How lucky are we to have a Father who knows all, who knows what's best for us? If He thinks I need to go through certain things to learn and grow in order to secure my salvation, then I choose to go through them. Are we not all just lumps of coal who need to endure Heavenly Father's refiners fire in order to become His "diamonds"?